Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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