he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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