Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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