I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
