Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
