I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
