Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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