I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
