Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
