The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
