Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i now understand why vodka
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
