3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You are a booty call, not a friend.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
