checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
