false alarm. still invincible.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
we're so committed to being not committed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
