Pants 0. Shit 1.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
