he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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