mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
When are your genitals available?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
