we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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