Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
