my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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