saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Who put my cat in the fridge?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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