dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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