The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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