I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
