hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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