I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
