i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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