we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
