Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
