My sheets look like a crime scene.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
