Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't turn off my feet"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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