Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
