Umm I'm too high to move.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
