Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
