i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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