My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
