Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Text me some of your sweat
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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