I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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