Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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