He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it glows. i had to have it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
