im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
