Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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