i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
