Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
