i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
is that a dick in a sweater?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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