Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
