Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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