i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
