I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
