I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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